You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
