I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
found out what b.m.t stands for.
what did you think?
bread, meat, tomatoes, but then i realized that could be practically any sub.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize