walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
