He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
