I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
