Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
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