i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
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