Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
