so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
