Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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