and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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