i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Randomize
