And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
