he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
