The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
