Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
