Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
