U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
