I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
