This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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