fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Randomize
