i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Randomize
