I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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