Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Randomize
