she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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