you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
