she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
this boner is exhausting
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
