was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Sorry my hands just texted you
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Randomize
