I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Randomize
