I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
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