Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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