well I can't set my house on fire every night
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
He? As in you personified your dick?
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
