i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize