so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
