I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize
