mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Randomize
