Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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