is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
