The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
