today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
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