names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Randomize
