I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I can text with my tongue
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
