thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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