i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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