This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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