After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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