I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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