Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
