So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
