You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize