I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
