I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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