He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Randomize
