Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
420 ftw
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Randomize