She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
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