we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
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