My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
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