I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
