i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
