Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
