The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Randomize
