It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
