i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Randomize
