I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
