omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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