Who wears a wallet chain?!
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize