I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
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